Open letters

Dear Mom,

I know that you don’t like the name Cora Jane and that you don’t like my name either. It’s almost been 28 years and time to let it go. I like my name. I like the name Cora Jane. Whenever you feel like popping out another baby, you can have all the naming rights you want. In the meantime, let’s go shopping!

Love,
Your favorite daughter
~~~~

Dear Sister,

Thank you so much for telling me I looked "puffy" this weekend. You really know how to make a pregnant girl feel pretty. (Sing with me: I feel pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay.) The world needs more honest people just like you.

I love my siblings,  
Audrey Lynne
~~~~

Dear Hemorrhoid(s),

It was really awesome how you decided to show up on the day of my Group B Strep test. Thank you! I’m sure the nurse practitioner really loved it as well. Whenever I walk, I feel like I’m waddling. Awesome. 

Suffering in silence, 
Puffy and pregnant 
~~~~

Dear Matt,

The lawn is looking incredible! I am so happy that you decided to kill everything off. I really like sweeping the dirt up every day inside our beautiful home. I don’t mind at all. In fact, it makes me feel just like Ma Ingalls in the Big Woods.

Grass fail

 

XOXO,
Ma
~~~~

Dear Anita,

It’s so nice to have small businesses here in Lawrence. If it weren’t for places like Anita’s Alterations, the world would be full of overly priced businesses that want to charge $7 to hem a tiny newborn onesie. Wait…never mind. Have a great day, Anita!

Signed,
Moneybags
~~~~

Dear Simon,

I am so sorry that I keep losing my patience with you. However, if you ask me one more time if you can play Club Penguin or watch TV or tell me about how bored you are- then I might EAT YOU. I know you have a hard life. I know everything is boring. I get it.

Always hungry,
Mama
~~~~

Dear Livejournal and Photobucket,

The big people here at House of Boys, Inc. are tired of your problems. Would you kindly quit breaking my blog? It’s not good for business. Please tell your people in charge to call my people in charge. We need to work this out.

Unsatisfied customer,
House of Boys, Inc.
~~~~

Dear Baby-no-name,

I know that you aren’t really due until May. I know it’s warm and cozy right up inside my uterus. Regardless, now that we’ve almost hit 36 weeks, please feel free to come whenever you want. Sooner is better than later. I’m 100% POSITIVE that everyone is ready to meet you. Trust me.  

Impatiently waiting,
Your happily puffy, hungry, cheap, and pregnant MamaBear

 

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